Thursday, April 30, 2009

Special Day

This past Monday was a bitter sweet day. I am happy to be part of, but I am deeply saddened about this day. I was moved in a very special way Sunday, I was invited to share in a birthday. Monday was the birthday of a little girl that I have never met, but means so much to me. All day long I did everything I could do to get back to my girlfriends house, to join her. Every year she and her 2 little girls go to a small cemetery to visit the grave of her daughter that passed away, almost 6 years ago. I felt honored that she asked me to go with them.

I was on a job that kept going on and nothing was going right and taking longer than it should have taken. It was about 5:00 pm when I talked to her on the phone and told her to go on and go. I felt bad for saying that, because I wanted to go. I felt like part of the family when she asked me to go. I felt like I was letting her down and that is something I never want to do. If I went then it meant I was part of her family and that is what I really want to be. She told me that they would wait on me because she really wanted me to go with them. She said as long as I was there before dark they would wait on me. I was almost in tears that I meant that much to her that she would wait for me to share this part of her life, with me.

When I hung up the phone I prayed to God for everything to start to come together on the job. I would love to be there for her and those 2 little girls on this day of memorial. I know he was listening, because shortly after that the water temperature started stabilizing and the temperatures were raising back to the proper temperature. By this time it was about 6:20 and I had about 1 1/2 hour drive back to her house.

I am gonna back up a little to explain the feelings I had that day. Last week the job I had was canceled and I was at her house working on the book that I am writing, when I hit a point that I was stuck and could not write any more. So I got up from the computer and grabbed a scrapbook off of the shelf. This told her daughter's life story and by the time I closed it I had tears streaming down my face. Now I felt like I invaded her privacy and didn't know what she would say if I told her that I looked through it. OK I was scared of what she would say and think of me for doing that. On Sunday she looked at me and asked if I knew what Monday was and looked at her and said Yes I do know. The tears started to build in my eyes, then she asked if I would go with them. By this time the tears were streaming down my face. She said she would love to have me go with her and the girls. I looked at her and said I had something to tell her. That the day that I was there I got the scrapbook down and looked at it. I was choked up and waited for her to start to yell or tell me to get out of her house. But just the opposite happened she hugged me and said I hoped you would look at it. I felt so much better after she said that.

On the way back it seemed like Gods hand was over my truck. The traffic was all cleared out of the way and I only got stopped a couple of times by traffic lights. I arrived about 7:30 and she smiled at me and said you made it. I looked her and said I wouldn't miss this for the world.

A little while later we all got in the car and headed to the cemetery. When we arrived we parked and started up the hill. When we arrived to the top, she and the girls went ahead of me. I stood back out of the way and let them do what they normally do there. When my girlfriend looked over at me and said come over closer. As I walked closer I had all these emotions run through my body, fear, guilt, nervousness, happy, and sad all rolled up together at 1 time.

With everything that happened Sunday and Monday I believe it made me more open to my feelings. It was a wonderful day that will always be in my heart and in my soul.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Life is not always lemons

We all have heard the saying" when life gives you lemons add water and sugar lets make lemonade. So what if life gives you limes. " When life gives you limes add salt and tequila and have a party". Now what I am saying is life is a party , if you let things get you down then life can not be enjoyed. No matter how bad it gets in your mind you have to look to the sky and look at the silver lining in the clouds even if its in a storm. I have been down in my life and did not know what to do or what to think. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, I believe that to the fullest. and if you never learn from your mistakes you can never be happy. I have lost every thing in my life at least 2 times and i keep going. I start over and start rebuilding my life and make my life stronger. I am never down too long because I tell my self to get up and stop watching the world go by. Just grab a hold of it and hang on, it can be a little rough at times. but it only for a little while. In my life I have had several broken bones and several reconstructive surgeries missed a lot of work,been down on my luck, and thought there is no way out of this. For some reason I have always looked on the bright side of the situation. I figured out over my 38 plus yrs that if you let life beat you down and you stay down or give up then you can never be on top of your life. when you are on top life seems so much easier and it is. when you are in a rut and don't think it can get any better that is the time to take a long look in the mirror and say is where I want to be in my life, and if it is then you are on top of your life. But if its not where you want to be in your life then look in the mirror and say" I am not happy" its time for me to start rebuilding my life. I wont stay down long,and life wont count me out. every breath I breathe I get better and life is getting better.

Now right now I could be down in the dumps and hating life. I found out about a week ago my ex-wife put her house up for sale and moving my boys almost 2 hrs away. I know some of you think that's not too bad but you have to think those boys are my heart and soul. I am a football and wrestling coach for my oldest son and I go to my youngest sons karate classes and tournaments, and all school programs and most of the activities. I am a big part of there lives and they are the biggest part of mine. I never wanted to be a part time dad, but life goes that way,you cant grin and bare it,but you can live with it. 4 yrs ago i watched my life take a dramatic turn from a full time dad and a husband to a part time dad and an ex-husband. It was hard to live with I felt like a looser and I felt like my boys were taken away from me. It hit me very hard, i crawled into a bottle and started looking at life through the bottom of it. I was hanging out with the wrong crowd and not living up to my potential. I was not running with the top of the class so to speak. then 1 day I stopped by and seen an old friend and he looked at me and said where are you. I looked at him kind of puzzled and said I am right here. He looked at me and told me that the guy in front of him was not me. He didn't know who I was but that wasn't me .

When I left him I drove around for about 4 hrs just thinking I went back to where I was staying and jumped on a buddies crotch rocket and took off. I hit the highway and wound it out in every gear going faster and faster. The faster I got the more the tears fell down my face. All of a sudden it hit me about 165mph and i started slowing down. I was not me any more and I did not like the man I had become. I turned that bike around and headed back . When I got back it was about it was about 3am as I walked in the door there was stuff going on that I did not want to be around. So I threw the keys on the table and grabbed my stuff and walked out the door and climbed in my truck and drove away. I never looked back. Shortly after that I climbed out of the bottle and straightened my life up.

So this past week it felt the same as it did 4 yrs ago but this time I voiced my opinion and felt better about what was happening I am not happy about the move but I took a stand. I know that my voice was heard and had some bearing on it. They are still moving but am on my feet and have the support of family and friends to help me. Most of all I have a wonderful woman that is by my side for me to talk to and work through with.

We can not let life bring us down
Just look in the mirror and say life may have me down right now but I am not out and I am getting back to my feet and gonna hit it head on and beat this time

See Y'all next time

Friday, April 24, 2009

Unexpected Changes

Howdy Y'all

When something changes your life in a manner you that you never expected. About a year ago I was fighting bulls in a rodeo (rodeo clown) and I had an eye opening experience.

Everyone has a little bit or psychic ability, its like you feel something is going to happen ,but you have no idea what it is but something isn't right. I was in the arena working the bull riding with my nephew when i got that feeling. I just worked through it like it wasn't there, then it happened.

We had a bull in the chutes and the rider was on his back ready to come out. When the cold chills run down my back. Being a clown you cant get distracted, because if you get distracted a rider gets hurt or worse they can die. Even you have that chance for that to happen. Nobody wants to see the clown/bullfighter get hurt or killed, but they don't want miss it if it happens. That's human nature.

My job when this bull came out was to get him by the nose and turn him into a spin. When a bull goes into a spin he either gives the rider a better chance to get a higher score or it will throw the rider off faster. as the bull cleared the chute I grabbed him by the face and he turned to the left into the spin. As he started to spin, I stepped into the chute to let him spin and fade out across the arena. Once he was away from the chute I followed him out and across the arena. When I was out of the chute the cold chills hit again. About 3 seconds later it happened. the rider slipped to the side and was hung up,( his hand was caught in the rope) and was being flung around like a rag doll.

My position was at the head of the bull, so I tried to pull the bull out of the spin to keep the rider from dragging him under the feet. At that time my nephew jumped onto the bull's back to untie the riders hand from the rope. As he reached the riders hand the bull turned and hit him and knocked him to the ground. When I saw this I side stepped the head of the bull and jumped and got a hold of the rope. I then pulled the rope and set the rider free from the beast. Just as he was free the the bull turned and hit me and flipped me through the air. As I came crashing to the ground after reaching a height of 10 feet in the air. When I hit the ground my head was bent backwards and I landed on my left shoulder. My best friend says I hit the ground like a sock being dropped on the ground. My body was in such a position that people in the stands thought my neck had to be broken.

As the people were watching horrified and worried about me, I laid there unconscious. No movement at all. after about 10 minutes I came to. I could see people all around me as I lay there flat on my back, the EMT's would not let me move. They were asking me questions like, do you know your name? Do you know where you are? What day is it? I answered them correctly. As I laid there I looked up and saw my 10 yr old son right above me standing on top of the bucking chutes. He had tears steaming down his face. I will never forget the look on his face, it looked like he had just seen the devil himself. I told Jamie to go get him and bring him to me, I needed to talk to him and tell him I am OK.

When my son got there I told him I loved him and everything was OK. I hugged him with my right arm and kissed his cheek.

As they prepared me to ride in the ambulance. the EMT's told me not to move that my neck may be broken. I looked at them and told them that my neck wasn't broke, because i don't have the burning sensation that i had before"I know what a broken neck feels like and this isn't that. I told them my collar bone is broke because it is not supposed to move where it's moving. As they rolled me on the back board I had a sparp pain on the left side of my back and i told them I ahve some broken ribs too.

when they wheeled me out of the arena I raised my right hand in the air to show all the spectators and rodeo fans I was OK.

The ride to the hospital the ride was terrible and rough as hell. On the way I did a lot of thinking and came to the conclussion that it was time for me to hang up my spurs and call it quits. I am 37 yrs old and 2 little boys to take care of its time to be a dad to them and I want to be around to watch them grow up.

My mom arrived at the hospital shortly after I got there. after the exam and the x-rays the doctor came back to the room. He told me that i had 2 broken ribs on my left side on my back. Then he told me, my left collar bone was broken in 2 places, about 3 inches from where it connects to my shoulder. I looked at him and said thats what I needded. the doctor and my mom looked and me in a confused manner. I am retired right now I am announcing it. My boys need me a lot more than rodeo does.

As we were gettin readyto leave the doctor sugested that i see a specialist in bone and joint. So I agreed to that.

I ended up with 2 broken ribs, broken collarbone, and a concussion.

My retirement lasted about 2 and a half months, when i arrived at a bullriding to judge it and the bullfighter that was hired never showed up. The stock contractor came to me and asked if I would fight bulls for him. I looked at him and told him that I was retired, and he looked at me and said I wouldn't ask but I need you. After a long thought I went out to my truck and sat on my tail gate and was thinking. Just as the National Anthem finished I walked back into the arena dressed ready to fight bulls. As I walked in all the cowboys looked at me and smiled. I walked right in the arena. My son was standing at the gate looking at me, I walked up to him got down on my knee, looked at him, gave him a hug. he looked at me and said I thought you retired? I looked in his scared face and said I am but I have to do this for me, this time its for me and no one else, "tonight I am walking out".

I walked in the arena and i was scared for the first time in many many years. The 5th bull out was the one that put me in the hospital and when he came out the hair stood up on the back of my neck. After the last bull left the arena I looked up at the stock contractor and he said we are done.

I wlked to the out gate, stopped and turned aroundto look back at the arena. I tipped my hat to the arena,blew it a kiss. As I turned to walk through the gate the tears streamed down my face. I was doneand this time it was by my choosing and not anyone or any animals doing.
I chose this time to be done.

If you quit and happy you did it thats great but don't sit back and say what if I had done this, it might be different. Never have regrets in your life, life is to short to to have regrets. Just remember this you made your choice, because thats what you wanted at that very moment. So never regret your choices. It was your choice and you made it.

Have a good day and I hope this helped someone with this.

Love Almost Lost

When you are in love with someone and you don't realize it until you almost loose them. When certain situations arise in life that you have no control of, but is there really any control in our lives or is it an illusion.

A couple weeks ago I was in this very situation when I was text messaging a friend . This friend and I had gone on a couple of dates and I really liked her for more than friend. I was just going to be her friend and let her get to know me and see where it would lead . The worst thing that could come out of it was a really good friend which is a win in my book.

It all started almost a year ago. When a friend told me that she had a friend that would be great for me to go out with. That we had alot in common, and had mentioned me to her.but i didn't want to be fixed up with a friends friend, because if it didn't work out then the friend would be caught in the middle. that is no place to be. Neither one of us would go for, being fixed up on the date.Then in January i was on a dating web site . I came across a profile that grabbed my attention. Not just 1 time but every time i got on for about a week i would find myself reading her profile. So finally i got the nerve up to sent her a message and she replied . I introduced my self to her and she introduced herself,and I knew that name . Because her name is not a common name around here. After a little bit of investigation. I found out that she was the same woman that the friend was trying to fix me up with.The next time I sent her a message, I said to her " I think we have a mutual friend". She replied about 10 minutes later with her phone number. When i read that message my heart just about jumped out of my chest. Now I had never met this woman but that feeling came over me in a rush.We went on a date about 3 or 4 days later and had a fantastic time. On the way home, I told her that I had been wanting to do this all night and I kissed her. Now I know you will think I am crazy,but when we kissed I saw fireworks, not like bottle rockets or sparklers, but great big July forth explosions of color and sound.The 2 of us talked on the phone and texted back and forth for months and got to know each other. We became good friends, but I knew there was more there on my side.

Like a moron I asked the friend of ours for some advise about her. The friend told me to play hard to get and she would go for me more. That she liked the bad boy image. I am not really the bad boy but I tried . I acted like i didn't care and gave her all the space she needed . Everyday I was drawn to her more and more . But every time we would talk she would bring up that she DID NOT want a relationship.

I respected that. This went on for about 3 months we would talk and text every day or 2. About 2 weeks ago i was at a rodeo competing at and she was there with another man and the entire time we were texting back and forth ,this was Friday and Saturday . I met this guy she was with Friday and I had the urge to get a lil bit cocky and strut around her like a peacock with his tail feathers all spread out. I could tell I intimidated him and I could see that it worried him that her and I were such good friends. But still she and I texted .Then on Saturday I pushed the issue with him more and I was trying to get him to push back to see what he was going to do to get me to stop. After about 3or 4 hrs of being an ass hole towards him. She asked me to calm it down. I told her NO then she said please . So I said Yes I would , but she would owe me another date or 2. She replied " how can I do That when I am in a Relationship?I felt my heart explode and my face turn red instantly. and i came unglued at the seams. I chewed her up and down and told her that she was just using me and him. That she was just like all other women and was a PLAYER. just using guys to get what they want. I told her that everything we were doing would stop. the phone calls , the text messages ,the lunch dates would stop because she had a boyfriend and I wont intrude on that. When I told her that she felt like she had just lost someone that meant more to her than she realized. Now this went back and forth all through the rodeo. After the rodeo she walked down to the arena to see me and I walked by her like she wasn't there and went to the concourse of the the building. When she left ,about 30 seconds after she walked out i ran out the door to find her but she was gone.After the rodeo when we were getting the awards i kept texting her. I admit it I was heart broken and hurt and pissed . The thing is I wasn't pissed at her I was pissed at myself ,because I never showed her the real me or had never told her how I felt about her.She kept telling me the entire time that she had known him longer than me. Until I finally said , I should have never listened to her mom or our friend and just showed her the real me. That I had gotten bad advise from them and had never gotten to show her the love that i had to give her.That right there changed the entire situation and brought out feelings for me that she did not know she had.

I guess what I am saying is don't be afraid to be yourself . When you love someone never be scared to show it, if that's the way you feel, to say it or to show it.
Now be yourself and the advice you get from people may help but ,you know your feelings and yourself better than anyone else. That was almost 3 weeks ago and I don't think that I have ever been so happy with someone.

Just Be Yourself My Friends and love will find its way through.

Not all advice is good advice.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Howdy Ya'll

I am Cowboy its nice to meet you I am gonna write a few things in my blog that might inspire you ,might tick you off, may make you laugh or even cry. For the most part I hope you get something out of it that can help you with something you are going through, right now in your life or in the future.

Thank you and enjoy !